Panic.....

Well, I could write today of how my brain has tortured itself with over analysis, of how the clear moments have been rare and of the feelings that feeds... However I'm not going to give in to more self absorption. Instead I am going to panic.... We have friends coming over for dinner on Wednesday, lovely people, but the kind of friends who you don't see that often even though they live close, and worse than that, they can cook!! I have spent the evening searching Jamie and Nigella for inspiration... Waiting for them to talk to me of a meal I can cook after a day at work which will be suitably impressive that I look in control of life. I'm gambling on a curry as that doesn't have to look good... But as for pudding? Well it could be a chocolate cake, but chances of me managing to do a cake and curry after work are slim... So then it's a berry flan thing, that looks perfect in the picture, but I can see it crumbling to pieces on the plate..... So figuring either Bridget Jones moment will be happening on Wednesday, or Waitrose out of the box on a plate who will know?
I'll let you know how it turns out:)

Jane

unexpected

the knock on the door was met with panic.  nightwear was still being worn.  it was after ten.  on a saturday morning.  the door was opened.  "flowers, you must have a secret admirer" he said.  "it will be jane" i said.  i was right.  days are for flowers and friendship.  thank you my friend.  

Emma

Me again:)

Well,
This is Jane here, the one who is not as faithful in her blog posts, and after a flurry in Thailand has not got back into a pattern since being back to the UK. However, Em's posts are so beautiful....change and working out change are so hard.
I was talking to a friend to-day who reflecting on her personal life, said it was not as she imagined it to be- I'm beginning to think this is a theme of women in their 40's.... it gets to a certain point where we stop and reflect on where we are, and where we expected to be, and somewhere, something doesn't match.
I've been having a personal battle with stress this week- it turns me into a grumpy horrible person to live with, and leaves me fighting to control my emotions. It always makes you feel worse when people tell you how bad you look- how is that comment ever a positive one? I don't need to be told I look stress, even if its true! Thats another rubbish think about being female and 40- the wrinkles show in your face more (well they do in mine anyway, despite the use of Olay:)
Since being back from Thailand I have really struggled to settle back, to know where my place is, what I should be doing and to echo the themes of these blogs- to find out what days are for. This reflects Em's theme of change- and the journey on which we are on....no quick wins....just a path to follow....

Jane

pause for thought

these last few weeks have been ones that i have been trying to make changes in. change is something i usually run from.  i'm not one of these people who embrace it.  it scares me. not in a horror movie kind of a way but in an unknown and i don't like it kind of a way. whilst making these changes an unexpected uncertainly has washed over me.  i had spent so much time wanting to embrace the change that i had spent no time looking at why i wanted to change it. i have been at times emotional, at times angry but most of the time downright confused about what i was feeling and indeed what i was meant to be feeling. where is the blue print that i am so certain i fall short of?  the revelation i have stumbled across is i am saying that i want to embrace change but really i am running away. again.  it has taken me having to stay put to realise that i run.  both physically and emotionally.  i have done this all my life. so now that i know, what to do?  slowly i am going to try and raise my head and speak.  slowly i will ask questions and listen to the answers. slowly i will make the change; find out why my feet are made of lead but take flight.  slowly i will embrace the life i want, blueprint or not.


Emma

two of the four

i have four nieces and one nephew.  another one is on the way.  two nieces live far away.  two nieces are close by.  one of the nieces loves ignoring me every once in a while.  she thinks it's funny.  there are times at bedtime she will kiss everyone else, ignore me and run upstairs laughing.  sometimes she comes back.  she sometimes does it with photos too.

Emma

relaxation

amidst the work that needed to be done this week, i found time to relax.  i am one of these people who feel better when things get done.  i enjoy writing lists too.  i enjoy crossing off items as they are complete even more.  better not to say too much about that.  you can analyse me at will.  so this week i shared dinner with friends. went to see films; indoor and outdoor.  pottered in my garden.  went for drinks in the sunshine.  and walked.  not too much but just enough.  there is a lot to be said about a change being as good as a rest.  as long as you get some rest in there.  oh, did i mention i slept.  a lot.

Emma

no rain on their parade

this week off could not have come soon enough for me.  wrestling with stress and the inability to switch off i needed to be elsewhere.  why is it that sometimes the need to be anywhere other than where you are takes over?  i am lucky enough to have family round the corner and nearby.  i am also unlucky enough to have family far away.  with the sun shining in manchester and a new haircut acquired i headed off to wales.  along with everyone else. after the longest car journey i arrived to find i'd left the sun in manchester.  not a usual occurrence.  but with little people excited to be at grandma and grandad's for a few days, no amount of dull weather would rain on their parade.  there was nothing for it.  the beach was calling our names.

Emma