thankful thursday

i'm certain my week has been no different from your week - manic. by now i'm sure you know i am a woman who likes a list but the lists at christmas? well, they get way out of hand. i write things down so i don't forget. this of course is a good thing if you want to get everything done, it's not so good if you forget half your list, re-read it and realise the enormous amount still to be done just to get ready, let alone trying to fit in all the friends and family you want to see before you go away for christmas. i'm not going to lie; this week was hard. i'm certain yours was too. sunday evening was my low point, right where the tiredness overcame me. overwhelmed by the amount still to be done and the small amount of energy left with which to do it there was nothing else for it - i poured a glass of wine, broke out a bag of savory snacks bought for a family get together next week and flicked the tv on.

i could tell you that that one quiet evening transformed me and suddenly i was raring to go with renewed vigor but again, i'd be lying. the busyness of the season can leave us needing more than a couple hours of relaxation to pull us out through the other side of the christmas preparation hedge. i'm certain you, like i, have lots of lovely things booked in the diary to do in the run up to christmas. i'm also certain you, like i, are looking forward to them but when your energy is low all the nice things somehow seem to look like obligations - nights to be got through not enjoyed. that's when i realised it. i was losing my joy - my joy of the season. 

this year is the first year i have really learnt about the meaning of the advent wreath. i've realised i obviously never paid attention at church or school or watching blue peter as they lit the candles on the wreath each week - either that or i was too young and thought only about the impending visit from father christmas or i just plain took it all for granted. but not this year. this year the waiting of advent has pressed in on me from all sides. i've learnt that in advent each week/candle has a different theme; the first candle hope, the second peace, the third joy and the fourth love and here i am in the third week - the week of the joy candle - losing mine. i've followed along here this season and as i listened to ann talk, tears fell at the realisation that it is me who stops my joy. me that decides I am too busy and worries about how I am going to fit everything in. me that decides the best way to get through is to write a list and stick to it regardless of whether I enjoy it or not. 

ouch.

slowly i opened my hands and got back into my groove. i recalled my week - how last thursday morning i woke much earlier than usual and choose to make a cup of tea and read before work, the slow morning pace enabled me to look up and see a rainbow at the bottom of my garden - there was no rain nor sun at that moment but there anyway was a promisary rainbow, how i watched the birds that morning too and caught a shot that even now i look at and marvel at being in that place at that time to capture it. how every morning whilst caught in rush hour traffic i watch the pink and amber haze of the sunrise disipate into winter azure skies. how mild this winter has been so far, november sunshine has chased us into december and i am grateful for it. how i have sung with my choir in two concerts this week the last one alongside a full brass band to a sell out auditorium - how music and singing feed my soul. how i've received cards from friends and family near and far and how lovely it has been to read their news. how there is no subsitute for best friends, how family will always go that extra mile for you and how you alone control how you view life. 

i choose to be thankful. 

and with that choice i'm getting my joy back. 

Emma