epilogue 2012

as the end of the year approaches there is a tendency to look back over all that has happened in the preceeding 12 months. in honesty, most years i do this but my memory is bad and beyond others great life events i have very rarely felt i have enough of my own life events to have much to think on. 

this year is different. 

on new years day i narrowly avoided a car crashing into me whilst traveling to visit a friend. that experience shook me. not because i could have easily been hit and suffered severe injury or died but because i wasn't. i was spared. i was a matter of centimeters away from what could have been horrific but i watched in slow motion as the action played out and avoided me, avoided everyone.

from that day i knew this year would be big for me. i haven't changed jobs, i haven't got married or had a baby, i haven't moved house or city. i haven't done any of the things that are considered momentous life events. what i have changed is myself.

if you had spoken to me last year i would have told you i was a happy and content, confident and rounded person. i was able to cope with whatever life threw at me and could come out the other side smiling, i had inner strength. what i didn't realise was all of that was underpinned by fear. fear of admitting to myself i was unhappy. i liked my own company but didn't know who i was, i was a shy person who acted akwardly around others, this sometimes came off as arrogance but mainly it was lack of self confidence and i had no idea how to conquer that. 

i am a woman who has a faith. a faith in a god who is bigger than me. i believe that everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance and god uses all circumstances. i knew he had protected me on new years day. i knew there had to be a reason for it. from that day i have been on a journey. a journey to find what god wants of this life of mine he spared. 

slowly i was shown how wrong i had got my life. assumptions i had made about myself and others that were wrong ones. i had to relearn a lot of my behaviour. i had to apologise to people for my actions, actions that at the time seemed perfectly fine and reasonable to me but i was shown were actions of someone who was lost, alone and afraid. i was shown i was loved and valued and that enabled me to stand up for myself and speak up when i felt others were disrespecting me, something i have struggled to do on my own behalf all my life. my attitudes have changed. i now no longer expect the worst outcome, nor do i expect the fairytail either, i have learnt how to live in the middle; i have learnt balance. i have learnt the value of patience, hope and love and am not afraid to express them. i am no longer fearful. i am hopeful, optimistic, excited and happy. happier than i have ever been. i am open to life. i have let go of the old fearful self and have embraced self assurance, an assurance that has eluded me all my life. i have not been alone on this journey and i am grateful to those few who have travelled with me, supporting me as i have negotiated my way along the overgrown path of my life. i value each of them. i am thankful that i have not only learnt how to express myself but am no longer afraid to express to them, at any time, the difference they make to my life.

the quote i am reminded of is this: "life is a journey, not a destination." previously i would have thought nothing of this, would have dismissed it even. not now. this year i have started my journey. fully. for the first time. i know where i would like the destination to be but i now know that the journey is the most important part, the hardest part maybe but i imagine the most rewarding. without the hardships of life, without the hard life lessons how would we know how to live in happiness at our perceived destination? i am also learning that the journey moulds us, prepares us for where we want to be. what we hope for as our destination, i am learning, can sometimes be just the tip of the iceberg. 

this year i have found myself on the receiving end of many compliments. they range from  the regular "you look well" to "there is something different about you but i can't put my finger on it" to just this past week an old friend opened her front door and exclaimed "you look superb." how we laughed that she told me that before she had even said hello. i have got better at receiving them. that in itself is a huge step. most people, although not all, exclaim "it must be the hair" in an attempt to explain what is different. but i know what they see. they see an inner beauty. a peaceful, joyous soul who has finally learnt enough tools to equip her to start her on her life journey. 

i think 2013 is going to be fantastic. i have my hands off and my heart open and can't wait for what the next year brings. 

as we set about celebrating the end of one year and the dawn of the next i wish you all a very happy new years eve and all the best for 2013. what journey will this year take you on?

Emma