i remember...

when i was a teenager i painted my bedroom walls. not like my cousin did - black and white parallel lines to imitate blondie's record sleeve - but huge faces of my own design. i remember my mum not being very happy about it but my dad okayed my expressing myself so off i went. they were segmented pictures - at that point i was excited by screen printing and all my artwork was thought out with the process of cutting the film forefront in my mind, the blank space forming part of the picture. i can't remember when i stopped painting them but i do remember when i did i painted all the walls brown and stuck up a "feed the world" poster as decoration. yeah, i'm guessing i was a lot of fun to be around then too.

i remember exactly when my creativity got thwarted.

i was fourteen years old and taking my options at school. out of everyone that wanted to take art in our school i was the only one who selected the option to do the printing class. i was told they couldn't run the class just for me so i was put into the fine art group. i went from being happy and expressive in my art class to being miserable and under achieving, there was no encouragement only mistakes hi-lighted. it was clear from the start my teacher didn't like my style and i didn't have a clue how to paint in her style. this continued for two years. unlike my dad she didn't believe in me. i passed my exam with a b grade, i have always wondered what i would have got if i was encouraged.  

i graduated college, got a job, got promoted, bought the car and the house. all this time the pencils were down - abandoned on the road to what i thought success looked like. and abandoned there too was myself - frustrated, uncommunicative and alone - all dressed up in a work suit accompanying a newly renovated house. for nearly eighteen years. as so often happens the epiphany comes at your lowest ebb - i was no exception - but with the unravelling came the realisation: you are not the sum of what you own, you are the sum of who you are. and who i am at a soul level is creative. 

i picked up my camera and took more pictures. slowly i found my photographic eye. my best friend asked me to start a blog with her. slowly i found my writing voice - am still finding it. i joined a choir with another friend - as my vocal muscles returned i remembered anew my love of singing. i breathed deep and embraced my god given talents. slowly i threw off the fear of stepping out not always to do something new but to revive the the art of something forgotten. remembering was a gentle blessing and the happiness it brought made me want to remember more. 

i have found that creativity needs room, space to circle you and draw you in. more than that - you need space to embrace it - be it physical or mental. i have often wondered how i let go of my creativity and have realised it was gradual - i let it be eroded not just by teachers who didn't encourage nor by expectations of what success looks like but also by maturing and losing my ability to play and dream. in my naivety i thought you could only be creative if you made that work your living. nothing could be further from the truth. 

will you let creativity court you? will you play and have fun and step out of your comfort zone? will you make enjoyment a priority regardless of what it looks like to everyone else?

i can guarantee you won't regret it.  

Emma

linking with the writers at living the story on their theme for the month: create.