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Monday 30 September 2013

i remember...

when i was a teenager i painted my bedroom walls. not like my cousin did - black and white parallel lines to imitate blondie's record sleeve - but huge faces of my own design. i remember my mum not being very happy about it but my dad okayed my expressing myself so off i went. they were segmented pictures - at that point i was excited by screen printing and all my artwork was thought out with the process of cutting the film forefront in my mind, the blank space forming part of the picture. i can't remember when i stopped painting them but i do remember when i did i painted all the walls brown and stuck up a "feed the world" poster as decoration. yeah, i'm guessing i was a lot of fun to be around then too.

i remember exactly when my creativity got thwarted.

i was fourteen years old and taking my options at school. out of everyone that wanted to take art in our school i was the only one who selected the option to do the printing class. i was told they couldn't run the class just for me so i was put into the fine art group. i went from being happy and expressive in my art class to being miserable and under achieving, there was no encouragement only mistakes hi-lighted. it was clear from the start my teacher didn't like my style and i didn't have a clue how to paint in her style. this continued for two years. unlike my dad she didn't believe in me. i passed my exam with a b grade, i have always wondered what i would have got if i was encouraged.  

i graduated college, got a job, got promoted, bought the car and the house. all this time the pencils were down - abandoned on the road to what i thought success looked like. and abandoned there too was myself - frustrated, uncommunicative and alone - all dressed up in a work suit accompanying a newly renovated house. for nearly eighteen years. as so often happens the epiphany comes at your lowest ebb - i was no exception - but with the unravelling came the realisation: you are not the sum of what you own, you are the sum of who you are. and who i am at a soul level is creative. 

i picked up my camera and took more pictures. slowly i found my photographic eye. my best friend asked me to start a blog with her. slowly i found my writing voice - am still finding it. i joined a choir with another friend - as my vocal muscles returned i remembered anew my love of singing. i breathed deep and embraced my god given talents. slowly i threw off the fear of stepping out not always to do something new but to revive the the art of something forgotten. remembering was a gentle blessing and the happiness it brought made me want to remember more. 

i have found that creativity needs room, space to circle you and draw you in. more than that - you need space to embrace it - be it physical or mental. i have often wondered how i let go of my creativity and have realised it was gradual - i let it be eroded not just by teachers who didn't encourage nor by expectations of what success looks like but also by maturing and losing my ability to play and dream. in my naivety i thought you could only be creative if you made that work your living. nothing could be further from the truth. 

will you let creativity court you? will you play and have fun and step out of your comfort zone? will you make enjoyment a priority regardless of what it looks like to everyone else?

i can guarantee you won't regret it.  

Emma

linking with the writers at living the story on their theme for the month: create.

11 comments:

  1. Emma,
    There is so much here but the thing that stuck out for me in this post is the power that resides in each of us to bring out the best in each other or the very worst. And really, that is, to me, the most important calling of a teacher. I'm thankful you had friends to invite you back into the creative arts, to cultivate the side of you that got snuffed out those years ago. Thanks for linking up with us at Living the Story, loved seeing you there first thing this morning.

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    1. Shelly, I so agree with you - teachers hold the power to influence us at any age but when young even more so. I am thankful that at the same time I had a fantastic English teacher who not only brought that subject to life for me with her sense of humour and uncanny ability to make doing the same thing over and over again fun (comprehension tests anyone?) but also taught me how to play the exam and school game - something I am eternally grateful for. Have loved your series this month - it was fun not only reading the other stories but challenging myself to write about mine.

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  2. "i have found that creativity needs room, space to circle you and draw you in. more than that - you need space to embrace it"

    I love this! I have found it to be true... and I love that I am finding others seeing, awakening, and making room!

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    1. Thanks Karrilee, so glad I am not alone in this space making mission. I am finding that once you make space for one thing another comes on its heels and I'm loving it. Thanks for stopping by.

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  3. This is so inspiring to me. As a little girl, I wanted to be an artist. I loved my high school art classes, but those were also the places where I picked up the idea that I wasn't very good. I didn't take a single art class in college, and I've hardly picked up a pencil or brush since those days. You've reminded me it never is too late. Thank you!

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    1. Christie, in honesty I'm yet to pick up a pencil either but I noticed while at a local gallery they do kids packs and encourage them to find their favourite painting and draw it - I'm thinking I might take my nieces and try it too - like you say - it's never to late.

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  4. I love this. And this bit here, that creativity needs space. This is so true. I tend to be the least creative when I am crowded by tasks and appointments. I do need space to create, mental and physical. I am so glad you shared this--you inspire me!

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    1. Kris, it's so often finding the space that is hard - life does crowd in doesn't it? I think I've mostly let go of the guilt of the perception that doing nothing is wasting time, more than that I've given myself permission to dream & that's where it's fun. Thanks for letting me know you were here - your words touch me.

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  5. Still finding your writing voice ... ? Oh, friend. You wove me into your spell from word one.
    My husband and I talk a lot about how as people, our destiny seems to chase us. Yours has certainly been in and out and over and under - but seems to have caught up with you nonetheless. So comforting, this.
    Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and yet very relate-able story. Exquisite.

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    1. Oh Kelli, your words touch me deeply - they are such a blessing to me thank you so much.

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  6. Emma, I loved reading your words! They are filled with life and light and wisdom...and that you are doing this blog in connection with your friend -- what a fantastic picture of sisterhood and joy in living out these gifts together! Such a contrast to the negative impact of that long ago teacher.
    I love how you write of the freedom in creativity and the permission to dream and play...oh yes, for me, too, so much of this was left behind in my "less than perfect" childhood art. But this: "remembering was a gentle blessing and the happiness it brought made me want to remember more." Yes, to create is to REMEMBER. I've never thought of it quite this way before, but you are so right. Us, created beings, returning to the beginning that says we, too, are artists. Children believe this, and then they/we lose it. Anyway, much to think about here and a joy to read. So grateful you linked up with us at bibledude.

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